It scares me now when I look back on it, to think how close I was to making such a big mistake. I thought that it would be alright, I thought it might be good, but how wrong I was. Its never alright to that kinda thing and its never alright to give into peer pressure because you have to be an individual. You have to stand up for yourself and for your beliefs.
I disappointed a few people, but most importantly I disappointed myself more than anything else. It kills to know that I let myself down once again, after all the foundations I laid down for myself after 3 months, they all broke again. Its hard the first time you have to rebuild it, its even harder the second time, and beyond that it gets worse and worse. I hope that there isn’t a point where I wont feel the pain of laying down those foundations cause if I don’t feel the pain anymore then I don’t know if my will power is strong enough to stop myself.
Lets just say sorry. Lets just apologise and get over all this hatred. Whats stopping us ? Its our egos. We have to get over ourselves and be the bigger person, but you see neither of us can. We both think we’re right and we both don’t see a reason to apologise to the other.
Its funny to think you could trust a person so much. To think that they would tell you everything about themselves, who they were, who they want to be but most importantly who they are. One event, no matter how miniscule can change your whole perspective of someone. It makes you rethink all the trust in them and keep you wondering late at night if you really know who he is.
For the past few days people have told me over and over again that “its easier said than done” whenever I bring up a plausible solution. I really did think that it was easy because I myself had done it. Why is it so hard to talk about it, what are we afraid of? Awkward situations are gonna be there no matter what and raging voices are bound to be heard once in a while. Nothings perfect and not acknowledging that makes it even harder to overcome.
Why don’t I just give up? Forget about it and the impact it had on my life. Leave it in the past where it belongs because digging the past up means that you have bury it again, but sometimes digging it up is the only way to bring back the memories. And what happens when the past follows you around, and doesn’t let go? What are you supposed to do then, let it follow you around or smash it down with a shovel? Then the past comes alive like a zombie and everything starts again and your shit scared cause this time you want to do it right, you don’t to fuck it up and you don’t want him to fuck you up.
Best friends are always supposed to be there for you right, but what happens when they’re not? How is it supposed to feel when the person you relied on the most isn’t with you, but with the opposition. Maybe I get the wrong feelings because I am completely stumped, crushed and so lost that something that they have experienced and hated so much, they could do to you.
YOU: Why does it hurt you so much that we’re like this?
ME: Because its not you that’s causing me the pain.
Through you I discovered what it means to love, to compromise, to fight and to resolve. I learnt to see from both views, to put me second, to apologise, to put my ego aside and do the right thing. I did change, you just cant see it.
Its all gone. My whole life just crashed in 8 months, friends, family, emotions and studies. They all fell through the floor except for the few the grabbed onto me and didn’t let me fall. Those who were by my side the whole way through, who picked me up every time a crack showed and dragged me back onto a solid platform and stood by me holding my hands just incase I slip again.
Why cant our eyes lock with that sparkle like it used to? I just want to be able to look into your eyes and never turn away.
