whats the deal ?

alright so heres the deal. i feel fat and ugly in everything. every morning i get up and i feel fatter and uglier than i did the day before and its the worst feeling in the world. and then i get to school and i see all these beautiful girls and i cant help but feel even uglier. one girl in particular is completely perfect and being friends with her gets me more depressed and my self esteem is like dropping through the floor. i look at myself and i dont see anything worth looking at. not a nice face, legs, ass, tits, stomach, curves or anything its just fat everywhere.

so next week im going to have a clothes sale because i just look at me in everything and feel ugly. not very many clothes just a few brand new ones, tags still attached and everything. selling them all for $5 or $10. i will do swapsies if its a similar item of clothing.

<3

yes this is about you.

"you know its never fifty-fifty in a friendship. Its always seventy-thirty or sixty-fourty or even fiftyone-fourtynine, never fifty-fifty. someone always makes the gesture first. someone puts someone else un on a pedastal. someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride."

i dont think i was the one that made the first gesture. i know for a fact that we were fifty-fifty but as the months rolled by i put you up there on the pedastal, you didnt do the same for me. you were always first in my books but now im always second. im as sure as hell though that towards the end i was the one tyring to keep it the way it was at the beginning. i would to anything to get back to that.

<3

fuck off.

and when i finally feel like things are back on track, it all just comes crashing down once again. so all this stuff that your saying will one day come and bite you on the ass. why is it that everytime i look back, theres some one there stabbing me in the back with a knife. it sucks to be brought down from every happy feeling you experience. once again when i thought that common sense had finally gotten through your heads you prove to me that you really are not my friend, your just a shit faced dick.

you make me happy and i think im slowly falling for you.

yes i said all of that to you but just like always, just like i wrote to you, my walls will crumble with one word you say to me. one word, thats all i need. this, this blog of mine used to be your homepage on your itouch and im hoping that you read this cause this is what i want to say to you. what im going through right now, i NEED to talk to you but i cant. well i can but i wont cause im a stubborn bitch. just know that im missing you and i really really need you.

its times like these i wish i could go back to the past and live in those moments that made me happy. im slipping back again to where i was before.

imma blog.

im actually gonna blog for the first time in ageeeeeees and its cause i havent felt this shit in so long. its been getting worse these holidays but now im just low low low low in the dumps and i cant figure out why. nothing makes me happy, no one that i talk to makes me happy even if it seems like im enjoying the conversation.

so the other day i was wondering why i wrote my feelings down on my blog for the whole world to see instead of keeping a diary. at first i thought i was an attention seeking bitch then the more i thought i about it i figured it out. its cause a) i want to feel like im talking to someone and someone might read this and i have a hope they feel the same way and b) i could never be fucked writing so "nicely" in my diary.

and what happens when you cant even turn to your best friend. i dont remember the last time i felt so alone.

not celebrating my 16th but i have a list of pressies i want:
01. glee albums volume one thanks to shariqa volume two
02. 2010 mens cricket calender thanks to nibs :)
03. all the seasons of monk
04. lots and lots of make up and SUMMER clothes :)
05. watch a movie in gold class
06. sexy underwear and shoes (Y)
07. a UNITARD, like the ones in single ladieeees :D
08. roses and a real date for valentines day thanks to greek
09. something to fight for
10. but most of all, i want a suprise

ok so i cant be bothered waiting at this slow pace of sales LOL and there is no bidding, everything is selling for $3 and no closing date until further notice :)

that means
item 8, belt - sold to karen
item 2, drees - sold to jenny

:)

THREE DOLLAR SALE !

all clothes on sale have a starting bid of $3 and buy now price of $5.
all accesories on sale have a starting bid of $3.
leave a comment with your name, item number and price you would like to purchase it at.

closing date is when school starts :)


ITEM ONE - BACK UP FOR SALE
red dress with pockets



Tightrope
Size 10
Worn twice



ITEM TWO - SOLD TO JENNY
black and white dress with embroidery

ITEM THREE - SOLD TO NATALIE
v-neck purple floral dress


ITEM FOUR
pretty yellow and black dress

Tightrope
Size 8
Worn twice



ITEM FIVE
rainbow singlet

Target
Size 12
Worn once



ITEM SIX
purple dress/top (depending on how long you wear it) with a bow

Tightrope
Size 8
Worn a few times



ITEM SEVEN
yellw and pink round neck shirt with asian-ish design




Size small
Still tagged and never worn
$3 for EACH starting bid



ITEM EIGHT - SOLD TO KAREN
brown studded belt


worn a few times



ITEM NINE
green bow and ball necklace and earring set


never been worn



ITEM TEN
3 sets of earrings - orange heart+bow, pink smiley face and big brown dangling ones


worn once



ITEM ELEVEN
rainbow necklace with rainbow stones


worn a couple of times



ITEM TWELVE
pretty stone necklace with dangly earrings

never been worn



ITEM THIRTEEN
3 bracelets - green bead bangle, black and white shiny stone and black and white shiny beads

worn a couple of times



ITEM FOURTEEN
pretty compact mirror

dont think i've ever used it cause i cant figure out how to open it :$

its time to blog.

When you tell me you love me i cant help but not believ you. i always think you say i love you to me while thinking about her. Just to let you know, when i tell you i love you, i mean it. i'm only thinking of you when i say it, no one else. And as hard as you may find to believe it, you weren't just another guy - you are everything.



I wish i had all those friends your always talking about. I dont think anyone understands what its like to not fit in, being able to go anywhere and not worrying of not having anyone to be with. Then theres the friends which you go everytwhere with and all those thing your always invited to. So i look on and watch at how you know everyone and everyone knows you and as you walked past a smile or word is exchanged. So i get im not funny or that interesting but i dont get why im still that no-one.