perfection is what i see in you.
i love you.
About Me
Sunday, May 31
Friday, May 29
smells like you
i was thinking about blogging about what you said but then i decided not to, ill keep it to myself :)theres a few things going on. i'll start from the beggining.
i used to cry all the time, i just wouldnt show it. id sit in the toilets and cry but now i dont anymore cause im no longer scared. im not scared to go ahead talk or even just stand there, to wander around cause im slowly fitting in. not fitting into one place but fitting into several. i lost you but its not as bad as i thought it would be cause you're changing. im wondering how long i can take this ignoring or how long it will last until one of us break and finally say something or even smile at each other. ive lost a few people but its ok cause i found a few more along the way.
its scary that we're talking again. its freakishly weird. it makes me happy though so thank you =D i think that its a shock to some people that we're talking, but of all people its shocked me the most. im realising that i love being friends with you thinking that something might happen shouldnt stop us from being friends, i dont think its a good enough excuse. we're talking and your feelings aren't changing so it shouldnt be a problem anymore. just simply, i miss you.
you make me smile and you make me cry. you make me feel like things are right, that they're not so bad. well it was kind of a suprise but its a good suprise, i like it :] btw you'll get it back on monday, but i like the smell of it/the memory it brings so i might accidentally forget it :P AND OMG YOU I WAS WATCHING MONSTERS INC AND YOU REMIND ME OF SULLY :O LOL
fatty your so cute and an evil bitch, why would you do something so mean to elizabeth, she is freaking obsessed with you and your funny hat, dont be so mean LOL. remember you can wake me up whenever at night cause the kids will keep me up anyway ==" ill keep you warm when you get cold, ill feed you chips when your hungry and ill give you caramello when your down :)
ps.your hair looked good today
moonira baby, i miss you. you have no idea how happy seeing you on webcam makes me gaahhhhh, words dont describe that kind of joy. i love you and wish more than anything else that you were still here cause i need you. but more importantly i want to be there for you but i cant :( my stupid blogger thing wont let me upload goddamn photos but i have a whole timeline of us :) ill post it another day yeah. love youuuuu
for my happiness, ill return the favour one day soon sully =)
i used to cry all the time, i just wouldnt show it. id sit in the toilets and cry but now i dont anymore cause im no longer scared. im not scared to go ahead talk or even just stand there, to wander around cause im slowly fitting in. not fitting into one place but fitting into several. i lost you but its not as bad as i thought it would be cause you're changing. im wondering how long i can take this ignoring or how long it will last until one of us break and finally say something or even smile at each other. ive lost a few people but its ok cause i found a few more along the way.
its scary that we're talking again. its freakishly weird. it makes me happy though so thank you =D i think that its a shock to some people that we're talking, but of all people its shocked me the most. im realising that i love being friends with you thinking that something might happen shouldnt stop us from being friends, i dont think its a good enough excuse. we're talking and your feelings aren't changing so it shouldnt be a problem anymore. just simply, i miss you.
you make me smile and you make me cry. you make me feel like things are right, that they're not so bad. well it was kind of a suprise but its a good suprise, i like it :] btw you'll get it back on monday, but i like the smell of it/the memory it brings so i might accidentally forget it :P AND OMG YOU I WAS WATCHING MONSTERS INC AND YOU REMIND ME OF SULLY :O LOL
fatty your so cute and an evil bitch, why would you do something so mean to elizabeth, she is freaking obsessed with you and your funny hat, dont be so mean LOL. remember you can wake me up whenever at night cause the kids will keep me up anyway ==" ill keep you warm when you get cold, ill feed you chips when your hungry and ill give you caramello when your down :)
ps.your hair looked good today
moonira baby, i miss you. you have no idea how happy seeing you on webcam makes me gaahhhhh, words dont describe that kind of joy. i love you and wish more than anything else that you were still here cause i need you. but more importantly i want to be there for you but i cant :( my stupid blogger thing wont let me upload goddamn photos but i have a whole timeline of us :) ill post it another day yeah. love youuuuu
for my happiness, ill return the favour one day soon sully =)
oh wow
its 1.30 am and i cant sleep. im not tired at all, not even a little bit. im going to sleep with a smile tonight, not tears like the past weeks. so thank you for tonight. i know it wasnt something extravagant, it was simple and i loved it cause it felt like old times. i know you're reading this and im hoping that as you read this you smile cause i want to return the favour. i hope you had a goodnight and sweet dreams.
p.s. fatty stop reading this and call me, you owe me cause you forgot to wake up and call me :]
Thursday, May 28
:]
im happy. for once in a very long time i can say that im actually happy. its cause of a couple of people. you's make me feel needed, wanted and most importantly loved. i love the lot of you, the phone calls, the msn conversations, the face to face conversations, our little adventures.
the simple gesture of your arm around me, the kiss on the cheek, holding my hand, it makes everything i go through worth while cause at the end of the day i get to talk to you and think about you :) the reason its possible for me to be how i am is because of you, because of you always being there for me. im always worried about you, whether or not your upset or pissed at me. ive never tried so hard to make someone happy as i do you, and im really hoping that its working.
by the way you made my day -
A: are you cold ?
C: yes im still freezing
A: touch my arm is it warm ?
C: omg yes its so warm.
A: come here *hugs C very tightly*
C: i can hear your heart beating
one beat, two beat
C: your hearts getting faster
A: really ?
C: yes, really really. why man ?
A: its cause of you.
you're too goddamn damn awesome :)
the simple gesture of your arm around me, the kiss on the cheek, holding my hand, it makes everything i go through worth while cause at the end of the day i get to talk to you and think about you :) the reason its possible for me to be how i am is because of you, because of you always being there for me. im always worried about you, whether or not your upset or pissed at me. ive never tried so hard to make someone happy as i do you, and im really hoping that its working.
by the way you made my day -
A: are you cold ?
C: yes im still freezing
A: touch my arm is it warm ?
C: omg yes its so warm.
A: come here *hugs C very tightly*
C: i can hear your heart beating
one beat, two beat
C: your hearts getting faster
A: really ?
C: yes, really really. why man ?
A: its cause of you.
you're too goddamn damn awesome :)
Saturday, May 16
rosie :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROSAAAAA YOU SEXY THANG ;]
use your legal privelages to your best advantage ;)
use your legal privelages to your best advantage ;)
Friday, May 15
purple quote.
i hope you're happy.
Whenever things are looking up, even in the slightest, it all comes crashing down. Say im happy, even a little bit, something just brings it down and its always the same goddamn person. Its you. Why do you still do this to me? why do you torture me like this? My mental health isn't a game you bastard. Why do you take away those closest to me? Every time i find someone, one way or another you become involved and drag them away. I told you whats going on in my head, whats going through me and my life, but you dont care do you. You didn't make an effort for anything at all. You didn't ask how i was, how my day was going, if i feel ok. Absolutely nothing. Zip, zilch, na-da. There is something good though. I don't think about you as much. At the end of the day when i look back through my thoughts, your not so much a significant part of them anymore. My eyes slowly drift away from you now, i don't notice you as much and i'm going to continue not to. I will make sure that soon you mean nothing to me because as far as i can tell, i mean nothing to you. Not a friend, past lovers or even an acquaintance. I admitted to you things that i haven't even been able to accept, but i told you. I confided in you so much and you're pretending like it never happened, as though it was nothing of significance. I don't get why you couldn't keep your mouth shut and you still can't, i'm disappointed really more than angry. I'm pretty sure its obvious by now who i'm talking about and i'm not ashamed of it. For once i'm not worrying about whether or not you or anyone else will be pissed at me because right now, i couldn't care less.
"I have questions for you that i never got the chance to ask:
Do you think of me when you least expect it - when you're unwrapping a garden hose or tilting your face to the shower of making love with someone else? And can you leave it at that, or do you find yourself compulsively sifting through the memories?
If i had been the one to leave, would you have written your heart out to me?"
You were there for me. That's all i can say about you. You were there whenever everyone had left my side and i love you. You don't mean the world to me because you are my world. I miss you so much, its beyond belief. The times we spent together, it is unforgettable. I still cry about us you know and it hurts that you're gone. I know that you're by my side all the time looking out for me and after me. You are the only on that cared enough to stand up for me and that's what best friends are for. I can't write anymore about you right now cause my keyboard will drown in tears and if i think about you any longer i wont be able to finish this blog, i'll become a mess. I love you so much and not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I know i have to be strong for our sake, but its so hard without you here.
"Loving you was a little like taking the same seat day after day on a commuter train - you couldn't imagine how it might feel to be in the row behind, you could swear the dimensions and the hollows of the sear were made just for you, you came back to it repeatedly with a whoosh of comefort and relief that it was still available."
You're the one that pulled me through that January. It wasn't just the January, it started from November and you're still holding on making sure i don't fall and my gratitude for you is never ending. When you read this you'll know who you are so thank you. When we fought it killed me and brought me down so low into a pit i never want to go down to again. I keep your letter with me cause whenever i'm down i read it and remind myself that i cant let myself go because i don't want to let you go. I will never forget your hand-written letter, no one has ever done anything of the sort and now you're gonna be pissed that i've shared this with the whole world :P Whenever you hug me i've never felt safer, more wanted, comfortable and belonging than anywhere else. You comfort me and take me to a place of happiness and joy that i rarely come across nowadays. When i don't talk to you it kills me, but thank god that now, it doesn't go past 24 hours. I think that event brought us even closer than before and i'm glad because i could never replace you and i never want us to drift apart again. I keep all the little notes you give me, its might sound a bit weird but its true, they make me happy.
Him: If i asked you to kill me, would you do it?
Her: Yes, but then i'd kill myself too
Him: What, why? because you killed me?
Her: No, because you'd be dead.
What were all those bullshit lines? the sweet-talking, the being nice, the "going out of your way for me" business. That was all complete nonsense if you ask me because the two times when i needed you most, the only two times i asked for your help you weren't there. You just couldn't be bothered could you. You said all this crap about how much i mean to you, that you loved me, that i would be forever but you were lying, you didn't mean any of it. I'm sure of this because if you did you would still talk to me, still ask me how school was or what i was doing tomorrow. But seriously, don't worry about it anymore, i know you don't care and never will. I'm just wondering what happened after that Saturday, what changed? Everything was fine before that day. I know that i was scared to talk to you, but you shouldn't have been, so why didn't you say anything? Oh wells that was the past and that's where it'll stay. I don't think there'll be a future to it anymore especially if you read this blog, so it stops here.
"I'm tracing my forefinger down the soft stubble on the back of your neck and there's moonlight on the cream on the terry cloth towel you let fall from your body"
You friendship was new to me but i loved every moment of it. But i don't think the friendships there anymore. I'm wishing with all my heart that it still is there, that there's a spark and miraculously it'll burst into flames again. I don't know if i've ever told you how much you mean to me, how much i love you for being there with me every step of the way. Whether or not you choose to believe me, i would never say anything so stupid (not intentionally anyway), especially to jeopardise our friendship. I told you what i'm going through right now but i haven't told you that one of the reasons i chose to stay, at this school and on this earth, is because of you. You make staying worthwhile, every moment i'm with you or talking to you it makes me happy. There are three people i go on msn for and one of them is you. I know its a shock to read this because i'm pretty sure that you don't think the same about me. (i do not like you as anything more than a friend just to clarify). I respect and trust you so much and you are one of the only genuine people i know. I want you to know how much you mean to me before you choose to forget/hate/ignore or whatever it is you think of me.
"I'm sitting there waiting for my god-awful faith when i see her running down the road.
Him: Why'd you come?
Her: I came because of you.
And that's when i realised that i was still sitting there because of her"
You are one of a kind my friend. You are my escape. You are the world that i escape to, to leave behind the treacherous memories of the real world. I like talking to you whatever time of day it is and just the way you talk is so refreshing. Your perspective on life, love, religion, family, friends and just everything talked me to a whole new level of interest and motivation. Thank you for caring, or acting like you do, thank you for confiding in me because you are another reason i choose to keep my life and the third of three people i come online for. I want to believe and now i do, but before you happened i didn't. I had no faith, respect, strive, will power, dignity or anything at all to get out of me "auto-pilot" state of life. My brain just clicks into action when i talk to you and that's a miracle because for months my brain hadn't flinched, but now it clicks. You know who you are so thank you. Thank you so so so so so so much.
;
-------
*italic quotes are from Jodi Picoult books
Whenever things are looking up, even in the slightest, it all comes crashing down. Say im happy, even a little bit, something just brings it down and its always the same goddamn person. Its you. Why do you still do this to me? why do you torture me like this? My mental health isn't a game you bastard. Why do you take away those closest to me? Every time i find someone, one way or another you become involved and drag them away. I told you whats going on in my head, whats going through me and my life, but you dont care do you. You didn't make an effort for anything at all. You didn't ask how i was, how my day was going, if i feel ok. Absolutely nothing. Zip, zilch, na-da. There is something good though. I don't think about you as much. At the end of the day when i look back through my thoughts, your not so much a significant part of them anymore. My eyes slowly drift away from you now, i don't notice you as much and i'm going to continue not to. I will make sure that soon you mean nothing to me because as far as i can tell, i mean nothing to you. Not a friend, past lovers or even an acquaintance. I admitted to you things that i haven't even been able to accept, but i told you. I confided in you so much and you're pretending like it never happened, as though it was nothing of significance. I don't get why you couldn't keep your mouth shut and you still can't, i'm disappointed really more than angry. I'm pretty sure its obvious by now who i'm talking about and i'm not ashamed of it. For once i'm not worrying about whether or not you or anyone else will be pissed at me because right now, i couldn't care less.
"I have questions for you that i never got the chance to ask:
Do you think of me when you least expect it - when you're unwrapping a garden hose or tilting your face to the shower of making love with someone else? And can you leave it at that, or do you find yourself compulsively sifting through the memories?
If i had been the one to leave, would you have written your heart out to me?"
You were there for me. That's all i can say about you. You were there whenever everyone had left my side and i love you. You don't mean the world to me because you are my world. I miss you so much, its beyond belief. The times we spent together, it is unforgettable. I still cry about us you know and it hurts that you're gone. I know that you're by my side all the time looking out for me and after me. You are the only on that cared enough to stand up for me and that's what best friends are for. I can't write anymore about you right now cause my keyboard will drown in tears and if i think about you any longer i wont be able to finish this blog, i'll become a mess. I love you so much and not a day goes by without me thinking of you. I know i have to be strong for our sake, but its so hard without you here.
"Loving you was a little like taking the same seat day after day on a commuter train - you couldn't imagine how it might feel to be in the row behind, you could swear the dimensions and the hollows of the sear were made just for you, you came back to it repeatedly with a whoosh of comefort and relief that it was still available."
You're the one that pulled me through that January. It wasn't just the January, it started from November and you're still holding on making sure i don't fall and my gratitude for you is never ending. When you read this you'll know who you are so thank you. When we fought it killed me and brought me down so low into a pit i never want to go down to again. I keep your letter with me cause whenever i'm down i read it and remind myself that i cant let myself go because i don't want to let you go. I will never forget your hand-written letter, no one has ever done anything of the sort and now you're gonna be pissed that i've shared this with the whole world :P Whenever you hug me i've never felt safer, more wanted, comfortable and belonging than anywhere else. You comfort me and take me to a place of happiness and joy that i rarely come across nowadays. When i don't talk to you it kills me, but thank god that now, it doesn't go past 24 hours. I think that event brought us even closer than before and i'm glad because i could never replace you and i never want us to drift apart again. I keep all the little notes you give me, its might sound a bit weird but its true, they make me happy.
Him: If i asked you to kill me, would you do it?
Her: Yes, but then i'd kill myself too
Him: What, why? because you killed me?
Her: No, because you'd be dead.
What were all those bullshit lines? the sweet-talking, the being nice, the "going out of your way for me" business. That was all complete nonsense if you ask me because the two times when i needed you most, the only two times i asked for your help you weren't there. You just couldn't be bothered could you. You said all this crap about how much i mean to you, that you loved me, that i would be forever but you were lying, you didn't mean any of it. I'm sure of this because if you did you would still talk to me, still ask me how school was or what i was doing tomorrow. But seriously, don't worry about it anymore, i know you don't care and never will. I'm just wondering what happened after that Saturday, what changed? Everything was fine before that day. I know that i was scared to talk to you, but you shouldn't have been, so why didn't you say anything? Oh wells that was the past and that's where it'll stay. I don't think there'll be a future to it anymore especially if you read this blog, so it stops here.
"I'm tracing my forefinger down the soft stubble on the back of your neck and there's moonlight on the cream on the terry cloth towel you let fall from your body"
You friendship was new to me but i loved every moment of it. But i don't think the friendships there anymore. I'm wishing with all my heart that it still is there, that there's a spark and miraculously it'll burst into flames again. I don't know if i've ever told you how much you mean to me, how much i love you for being there with me every step of the way. Whether or not you choose to believe me, i would never say anything so stupid (not intentionally anyway), especially to jeopardise our friendship. I told you what i'm going through right now but i haven't told you that one of the reasons i chose to stay, at this school and on this earth, is because of you. You make staying worthwhile, every moment i'm with you or talking to you it makes me happy. There are three people i go on msn for and one of them is you. I know its a shock to read this because i'm pretty sure that you don't think the same about me. (i do not like you as anything more than a friend just to clarify). I respect and trust you so much and you are one of the only genuine people i know. I want you to know how much you mean to me before you choose to forget/hate/ignore or whatever it is you think of me.
"I'm sitting there waiting for my god-awful faith when i see her running down the road.
Him: Why'd you come?
Her: I came because of you.
And that's when i realised that i was still sitting there because of her"
You are one of a kind my friend. You are my escape. You are the world that i escape to, to leave behind the treacherous memories of the real world. I like talking to you whatever time of day it is and just the way you talk is so refreshing. Your perspective on life, love, religion, family, friends and just everything talked me to a whole new level of interest and motivation. Thank you for caring, or acting like you do, thank you for confiding in me because you are another reason i choose to keep my life and the third of three people i come online for. I want to believe and now i do, but before you happened i didn't. I had no faith, respect, strive, will power, dignity or anything at all to get out of me "auto-pilot" state of life. My brain just clicks into action when i talk to you and that's a miracle because for months my brain hadn't flinched, but now it clicks. You know who you are so thank you. Thank you so so so so so so much.
;
-------
*italic quotes are from Jodi Picoult books
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